Love Is Blind… A Couple’s Therapist Perspective on Reality TV

I love reality television. Oops, I said it. I’ll probably never stop loving it; it’s such a mindless way for me to turn off my therapist brain at the end of a long day. Let’s be real though, does it ever turn off? As I was curled up on my couch on Friday night watching the newest episodes of this Love is Blind season, my therapist brain couldn’t help but perk up when Izzy and Stacy (a couple on the show) were having a disagreement after a particularly heated ‘pod squad’ mixer. I didn’t come up with the phrase ‘pod squad’, don’t come for me.

Allow me to break down their argument: Stacy was upset that Izzy wasn’t making her dinner, cleaning, and planning these grand gestures that he promised her in the beginning of their love affair, and instead, she was doing all of the cooking and caretaking. Izzy felt like he wasn’t enough for Stacy. Because Izzy felt like he wasn’t enough for her and their relationship, he spiraled into more negative self talk and Stacy withdrew and stood her ground.

It’s a tale as old as time. A song as old as rhyme. I wanted to shake them both and tell them to pause and listen to each other, I mean REALLY listen.

Simply put: they weren’t loving each other the way the other person needs to feel love because they never communicated it.

Even if you despise reality TV and haven’t watched a minute of Love is Blind, I promise that there is a meaning behind this.

Decades ago, an author named Gary Chapman coined this phrase “5 Love Languages” which consist of: quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, and physical touch. In one book, he completely reinvented the way we understand love and connection. Since then, thousands of articles have been written about understanding your love languages, getting to know your partner’s and family’s and friend’s love languages, and knowing what the hell to do about any of it.

In the least creepy way possible, I would’ve loved to be sitting at Izzy and Stacy’s kitchen table during their disagreement. I imagined them coming into my office the next day, both wounded from their fight that went no where. Here’s how a glimpse of the session would’ve played out:

Me (brilliant therapist): “How do you feel love from your partner?” “How do you know when your partner is showing you love?”

Stacy: “I feel love from Izzy when he cooks me dinner, cleans up the house sometimes, and surprises me with romantic gestures like gifts or unique dates.”

Izzy: “I feel loved when Stacy tells me how much I mean to her and when she greets me with a big embrace after a long day at work or when we are apart for a while.”

*and scene* (bow)

This is the one million dollar question: How do you FEEL love from your partner? If this brilliant session would’ve continued, I would have gone on to ask each partner how they feel like their other partner does at making them feel loved. This isn’t because I’m trying to get into a heated debate, but because a lot of the times, the way we think we show love to our partners is not always the way they need.

Read that again.

The way we think we show love to our partners is not always the way they need.

Not unless we have conversations about it.

I grew up with the Golden Rule being at the forefront of our family values - treat others how you want to be treated.

Up to that point in their relationship, I can imagine that Izzy and Stacy were doing just that. Again, I wasn’t at their kitchen table watching their whole relationship unfold, so I’m just imagining. But, Stacy was showing Izzy love the way she wants to be shown love. She was cooking dinner and cleaning and being mindful of things Izzy enjoys. Izzy was showing Stacy love the way he wants to be shown love by complimenting her, engaging in physical touch, and affirming her place in his life. They were treating each other how they were wanting to be treated.

Relationships cannot and will never be that simple. We all have complex and dynamic needs as human beings, which makes us all challenging and unique. Relationships take a lot of compromise and habit breaking in order to lean in and fully embrace the other person or people you choose to spend your time and life with.

Woof. No pressure, right?

I think it’s safe to say that we all desire to aid in making our partners happy. (If you don’t, maybe we should have a different conversation on the side). In order to provide happiness for our partners, we have to understand how they feel love. I am 99.9% sure every person in a relationship has different ways they feel loved. I am also 99.9% sure each partner in a relationship has to be committed to compromise, discomfort, and patience in order to succeed in making their partner(s) feel love. If just one person is on board, this isn’t working. Everyone has to be stoked about making their partner feel cared for.

Maybe you have already done this with your partner(s). Maybe it’s time for a check in to see how you are doing and how you can show up differently in the relationship. Maybe you don’t have a partner, that’s okay! Check in with a friend of family member and see how they feel loved in your friendship or relationship with them.

It starts with a simple question:

How do you feel loved in a relationship?

How do you feel cared for in this relationship?

What are some examples of how you feel love?

How am I doing at showing that for you?

What can I do to support you differently?

These are vulnerable questions. Vulnerable questions lead to vulnerable conversations. You may have to prepare for your partner to say that you’re not showing up perfectly in the relationship. (Even though I totally think I am 100% of the time). These are growth questions. These are important questions.

So, Izzy & Stacy, I have openings if you’re interested in some couples therapy.

Open yourself up to the compromise of love. Let’s lose the blind awareness to your partner’s needs and prove that you need to see, listen, and make corrections to find that 20/20 balance.

I am done with puns forever now.

Here is the Love Lanuage quiz if you feel so inclined to take it! It could make a fun date night.

Take care of yourselves. :)

Emily Bretl

Becoming Therapy Services, LLC