Stop Should-ing Yourself
You read that right.
We are all of our own worst critics.
“I should’ve done this, why didn’t I do that, I can’t believe I let this happen, next time I should…” - me, almost every day
It is so easy to be so judgmental toward ourselves. Whether we hear things from our parents, friends, social media, or someone next to us at the grocery store, there always feels like there is an expectation to live up to. When we don’t meet that expectation, we start to should on ourselves.
Let me give a quick example.
A few weeks ago I ordered a pumpkin chai at a local coffee shop. I felt so excited to take the first sip as soon as I got to my car. I sat down, anticipating the taste of cinnamon and spice and everything nice, and I was greeted with the starkly bitter taste of black coffee. (Absolutely no offense to anyone who drinks black coffee, but ew.) I started crying immediately. I am not embarrassed to admit that I threw a little fit. I was so excited and anticipating this fall masterpiece, and I was let down. I drove away without turning back.
How dramatic can I get?
Immediately when I drove away, I thought to myself: “Emily, you should’ve just gone back into the coffee shop and asked for a new drink. Why didn’t you do that?” *enter spiral of self doubt and pity*
Because I should’ed myself in that situation, I immediately made the already painful agony I was in even just a little bit worse. I threw myself under the bus for something that really didn’t have anything to do with me. Could I have gone back in there? Absolutely. But, I didn’t.
Instead of should-ing on myself, here are affirmations I can say to myself instead:
It makes sense that I didn’t go back into the coffee shop because I was feeling rushed for time.
It makes sense that I didn’t feel comfortable going back into the coffee shop because I am a people pleaser in recovery and continuing to work on confronting problems in my life.
Next time I find myself in this situation, I hope to go back into the coffee shop and get my drink order changed.
I 100% realize this is the most trivial, first world problem example that I can give, AND there is so much merit in this. Even typing out these statements, I feel myself become a little lighter. I physically feel the burden I put on myself lift.
Wherever you are reading this, I want you to pause. Set your phone aside, back up from your desk top, put down the printed copy of this blog, and think about the last time you should’ed on yourself. It doesn’t have to be the biggest memory, and it doesn’t have to be the smallest.
Do you have it in your mind?
Very good. Now you need to pick back up whatever vessel you were reading this blog with and continue on.
Now think about the situation that happened; maybe you were running late to a work meeting, you didn’t make dinner that night when you said you were going to, you snapped at your partner… whatever it is, think about some of the details of how YOU were feeling in that specific circumstance.
Realllllly sit in it. uncomfy, right?
I’m going to be honest, all of those uncomfy feelings are probably more uncomfy because of the amount of pressure you put on yourself to change a situation or circumstance that already happened. Even seconds after it occurs, you cannot rewind your actions. There are no NFL game day replays happening. You cannot magically show up on time to the work meeting or make the dinner you said you were going to, you just have to sit in the fact that it didn’t happen.
If we cannot invent time travel, we might as well accept what happened.
Acceptance is freaking hard. Top five hardest things to do ever. Especially accepting our own actions when we aren’t super stoked about them in the first place.
Do you still have that should’ed situation? Great.
Now the real magic happens — I am going to challenge you to replace you should/should not statement with your own affirming statements. AFFIRMING. Read that again.
Affirming sentence starters include:
It makes sense that I did/did not do this because ______________
It makes sense that I acted this way because ____________
I am ____(positive affirmation about self)______
I am working really hard on _____________
I really want to encourage you to make at least 3 affirming sentences.
You can stop the exercise now. Thank you for your extremely active participation.
This isn’t going to be a habit that changes overnight. It probably won’t even change in a few weeks or months, and I really encourage you to sit and reflect on this. We should ourselves without even recognizing it, because it is that engrained in our minds to be our own worst, most judgmental critics. Thanks, societal conditioning!
Next time you catch a should or should not statement come out of your mouth, take a little pause, and reframe. Notice what it feels like to reframe, to give yourself that break of grace, and accept just that small little piece of your life. It’ll grow into so much more.
We all have a lot going on in our lives. We are all just trying to survive whatever this world continues to throw at us — why are we also trying to survive our own criticism?
Take care of yourselves, & while you’re at it, try and stop should-ing yourselves. :)
Best,
Emily Bretl, LSW, MFTC
Becoming Therapy Services, LLC
